The Days Following Ben's Death

We left with the children and I went back to the hospital.  Peter duly went about making appropriate arrangements for a funeral for Ben.

I requested a visit from my Dr.  and discovered that it was my GP's wife's birthday that day and they were out celebrating.  Although I did not want to disrupt their joy - I was in pain and concerned about my partner and children.

That night was the worst I have ever had and would not wish it upon anyone else.  How could I be feeling like this when I did not feel happy through out the pregnancy?  I felt sick, alone and wondering why this was happening to me.  What had I done wrong - was it the drugs I took, the rash my daughter had or was it the dose of worms?  Or was it because I am not a perfect person?  Questions I have never had any real answers too!

I was concerned for my children and husband too.  How were they going to cope?  We had never expected our baby to die?

I could not sleep that night - I called for my husband in the early hours of the next morning - I had been sick and needed some more clothes - and I needed him to be with me so we could cry together.  I have never shed so many tears before.  Peter and I cried together for the death of our son - and even though he was unplanned - it made us both realise just how much love we had for him.  The bonding had started the day we were told we were expecting another baby.  If anyone had told me that this would be what I was to experience I would not have believed them.  I felt I could cope with my baby dying as I was not prepared for another child in our family.  How wrong I was!!!!

I was distressed that I had had my tubes cut and tied.  That I would not be able to have another child.  How could I be feeling like this when I was not prepared for my pregnancy with Ben?   I was overwhelmed with many mixed emotions, pain - pain that was excruciating and hard to explain.  So many emotions and feelings all mixed up together going around and around in side my head and my heart. 

Many tears were shed.  Somehow we had to bury our baby but I knew I had to see Ben before this happened.  To tell him I loved him, to hold him and to be together as a family.  Peter wondered whether this was for the best but I said that this was what I wanted to do.

I had no input into Ben's funeral.  Peter and the funeral director arranged it all.  I do remember them coming in to visit me but that was about all.  We had to decide whether to have a Hospital burial or our own.  A Hospital Burial meant we would not be there and he would have been buried alone.  We asked to see our local minister as I wanted to have Ben baptised.  He felt that this was not needed as Ben had already died.  Oh why did he not just do a naming ceremony for me.   All my children have been baptised except one!!!  I later discovered that he himself had experienced a stillbirth - one would think he would have been more understanding!

Another Pregnancy

I went back to my Obstetrician for the usual 6 week check - we talked mainly about another pregnancy.  I was concerned that after 4 Sections already this would not be possible - I had also had other gynecological surgery and wondered whether this would have left too much scaring to even attempt another pregnancy.

I was advised that it should be okay,  would need to be referred to a specialist and I would also need to seek out genetic counselling to see if we would give birth to another child with microcephaly.

And so started yet another roller coaster ride of emotions.  All I wanted was my baby back again - but then how could I want him back when I did not want him in the beginning - and was having another pregnancy what I really wanted!!!  All questions that I went over and over again inside my head - it was just very draining on my energy levels.

I saw the geneticist first up who took family history but informed us that it was not hereditary - 'just one of those things'.  I had a 1 in 10 chance of the same condition happening in my next pregnancy!!!  So what do I do - I had a desperate need for a pregnancy - a need to end my fertility on a good note - a need to be fertile again.  The pain endured over the months I was infertile was unbelievable - I could actually feel an egg each month trying to force it's way down the tube but to no avail.  I kept wishing I was pregnant.

I visited a specialist who was able to perform microsurgery and he suggested I seek the help of a Social Worker.  It was during this time that I did the majority of my grief work - very scary stuff and a place where I would not like to go back to today.  We looked at all my reasons for having my tubes reversed and the pain that I was experiencing with Ben.  I just wanted it all to go away - but it would not and I had to face it head on if I was to be able to get through the next operation okay.

It was suggested I attend a support group for bereaved parents.  I was unsure about this - did I want to share all my feelings with other people especially when I was not comfortable with them myself!   I decided I would give it a go - I had nothing to loose and if I was going to get emotionally well I had to at least try out what was suggested for me.  My husband did not come with me on my first meeting although he did come further down the track.

The first meeting was really scary - I sat and listened for many of the meetings I attended but just by doing this I had my own emotions and feelings acknowledged by hearing them from the others present.  It was good to know that I was 'okay and normal'!!

I went into hospital in May 1986 and my tubes were reversed back to their normal state.  Would it be successful?  Would I fall pregnant?   I had come along way since the time when Ben first died.  I felt comfortable with his death although I still missed him terribly.   Now I just wanted to get pregnant ........ but would it work!!

The waiting each month began ........ disappointment for the first few months but by November I was pregnant.   And another roller-coaster ride began.......

The funeral is over

How did I cope after this event in my life? - well not very well - I was bewildered at the immense emotions that arose for me.

My husband was home for a few weeks and we spent many hours together - me crying - with him hugging me.  I guess he wondered how he could help me.  I am grateful for the time that he spent with me but I do feel he did not understand the immense pain that I was feeling at that time. 

My parents suggested we go out for lunch together - to this day I wonder why - was it to make up for not being at the funeral?  I went to please them but really did not want to go.  I felt like a zombie!!

I would wake at night - unable to sleep - wanting my baby with me.  I was unable to do much during the day - little housework got done, I often was not able to have tea ready for the family and just did the bare essentials that I needed to do.

My husband and I went for many walks together especially in the evening time.  This helped me to cope.

I had many mixed emotions - guilt, shame, fear, anger, etc.  They seemed to be all mixed up together and I really could not define one from the other.

I felt alone and that many people expected me to just snap back and be myself again - that was not to be - Ben had a big impact on my life and I was a changed person.   I valued life more - my children became more precious and I wanted another baby!  I knew that I could never ever replace Ben but I needed to know that I could have a healthy live baby and just maybe this may ease the pain that my heart was feeling at this point in time.

I was also so very scared of forgetting Ben although it was many months before I realised that this was not going to happen.

It was so hard taking my 5 year old to school each day - there were other mothers there who were pregnant and due to have their baby's - some would talk to me and others just seemed to walk the other way.

I also cared for other children and continued to do this after Ben had died.  It was hard especially as some of them were under one year.  

Life just was not moving  ------- I was getting quite depressed and only focused on how I could have another pregnancy and a baby.

Eventually went to see my GP who prescribed some antidepressants - only problem with taking these was that everyone thought I was not 'normal'.  I decided that this road was not for me and struggled on without taking tablets.

Peter and I went for more and more walks together.   It was good to be together even though we rarely talked about Ben - we did talk about another pregnancy and how I was going to achieve this.

Ben's Funeral

We visited Ben just prior to his funeral service.  We had asked our two older children if they wished to be present too.  Our son said 'yes' but our daughter declined.  We did not give our 5 year an option - we decided it was best she stay at school - something I regret - I realise now that it would have been better if she had been able to say her goodbye's.  My best friend looked after our 5 year old for us at the time of the funeral.

It was a difficult time.  My husband had chosen a funeral director not far from our home - again in hindsight I wish it had been further away as every time I drove past it was a reminder.

Ben was in his tiny casket when we visited.  I knew instinctively that I had to hold him but was afraid to do this without permission of the funeral directors - weird when it was our baby.  We went and asked if it would be okay if I held him and they came and handed him to me.  He was cold but he was my baby and I loved him very much.  Many tears were shed again and it was hard to put him back into his coffin when really I wanted to put him in a bassinet and take him home with me.  I was able to silently say the words I wanted to my most precious son.  He was beautiful and I wondered why he had died.

We left the funeral parlour and headed off to the school to pick up our children and then onwards to the cemetery for the funeral service.  I am sure we followed our son up to the cemetery as he arrived at the same time as we did!

Things did not go as planned.  The chapel we had requested was still being used and so Ben's coffin was not in place as we had asked.  Many people had come to support us and we just waited outside wondering what was happening.  Many people commented on how well I looked and how well I was coping - if they only knew - the pain was horrific!!!

Eventually, it was decided that we would use the chapel next door.  Peter carried Ben's coffin down and put it in place for the service.  I can not remember a thing about the service at all.  Comments were that it was very nice.  We had asked the minister from the local church to say the service for us.

People stayed for a while and then left.  We went home as a family.

One thing I do remember is that my parents did not attend.  They lived an hour away from the city and even though I said it was okay at the time I felt quite hurt that my Mum was not there to support me.  Part of me understands - she had experienced a stillbirth - her last child - and after talking with her I imagine it would have been quite painful for her to attend.  But I did needed her there - I was her daughter and child too!!

Leaving Hospital without our Baby

We left with the children and I went back to the hospital.  Peter duly went about making appropriate arrangements for a funeral for Ben.

I requested a visit from my Dr.  and discovered that it was my GP's wife's birthday that day and they were out celebrating.  Although I did not want to disrupt their joy - I was in pain and concerned about my partner and children.

That night was the worst I have ever had and would not wish it upon anyone else.  How could I be feeling like this when I did not feel happy through out the pregnancy?  I felt sick, alone and wondering why this was happening to me.  What had I done wrong - was it the drugs I took, the rash my daughter had or was it the dose of worms?  Or was it because I am not a perfect person?  Questions I have never had any real answers too!

I was concerned for my children and husband too.  How were they going to cope?  We had never expected our baby to die?

I could not sleep that night - I called for my husband in the early hours of the next morning - I had been sick and needed some more clothes - and I needed him to be with me so we could cry together.  I have never shed so many tears before.  Peter and I cried together for the death of our son - and even though he was unplanned - it made us both realise just how much love we had for him.  The bonding had started the day we were told we were expecting another baby.  If anyone had told me that this would be what I was to experience I would not have believed them.  I felt I could cope with my baby dying as I was not prepared for another child in our family.  How wrong I was!!!!

I was distressed that I had had my tubes cut and tied.  That I would not be able to have another child.  How could I be feeling like this when I was not prepared for my pregnancy with Ben?   I was overwhelmed with many mixed emotions, pain - pain that was excruciating and hard to explain.  So many emotions and feelings all mixed up together going around and around in side my head and my heart. 

Many tears were shed.  Somehow we had to bury our baby but I knew I had to see Ben before this happened.  To tell him I loved him, to hold him and to be together as a family.  Peter wondered whether this was for the best but I said that this was what I wanted to do.

I had no input into Ben's funeral.  Peter and the funeral director arranged it all.  I do remember them coming in to visit me but that was about all.  We had to decide whether to have a Hospital burial or our own.  A Hospital Burial meant we would not be there and he would have been buried alone.  We asked to see our local minister as I wanted to have Ben baptised.  He felt that this was not needed as Ben had already died.  Oh why did he not just do a naming ceremony for me.   All my children have been baptised except one!!!  I later discovered that he himself had experienced a stillbirth - one would think he would have been more understanding!

Ben's Short Life

My husband and daughter were told we had a son but that he was sick.  He was duly named Ben James - the name that we had chosen as a family.  He was not asked as to whether or not to go ahead with the ligation - if he had been asked he would have said to go ahead anyway.  

When I came around following the birth, I was told we had a son but that he was sick and needed to be transported to the Children's Hospital for further tests and specialised care.  Ben was brought into me and I was able to hold him for a few moments before he was transported to the Hospital.  At that stage I had hopes of him being okay - no-one had said otherwise.  He looked okay to me - although I did not check everything out on him.  I was too scared - even though he was my baby - I was still in the hospital and felt that he belonged to them too!!!

My husband and three other children went to visit Ben that evening as well as coming to see me.  They were all delighted with the new arrival.  The next day Ben's paediatrician came to visit me.  He told me I had to expect my son to die.  He was very sick. They would do some tests but he could not promise that he would live for long.  My Dr. visited too and said that perhaps it was for the best.  He had a grandchild who was handicapped and it would be far easier for us if Ben died!!!  I was devastated.  I did not want my baby to die.  I wanted to love him and show him the world.

My parents came down from the country to visit Ben that day.  My husband stayed with Ben most of the day too.  He had not been told to expect our son to die!!

I kept my hopes up that Ben was not going to die and that we would face what ever was before us.  I had not seen Ben for a full 24 hours and decided that I would ask if it was okay to go and visit him.  The okay was given and we decided we would go as a family after the children had arrived home from school, been fed and were ready for bed.  I also invited my best friend and her daughter to come and join us.  She was to meet us at the hospital.

When we left the hospital we were told that Ben was still okay and so went expecting to see him alive.  We arrived about 10 minutes later only to be ushered into a room near outpatients.  Ben's Dr. came down and told us that he had died.  We were devastated to say the least.  We were asked if we wanted to see him.  We came to see him alive not dead so our answer was 'No'.

A quick call to my friend to alert her of Ben's death was made.  She arranged to visit me in hospital instead.

The Birth of Ben

I entered hospital the evening prior to the birth.  I have always had my children in a private hospital.  I had requested share accommodation but unfortunately this was not available - only a private room or a ward.  I did not feel that I wanted to be in a ward following the operation so opted for a private room.

My anesthetist came in to prepare me for the operation - I have always had general anaesthetics.  I had a reasonable night. Still wondering whether I was going to survive this operation. The next morning I was taken to theatre to deliver my child.  My husband and youngest daughter waited outside for the news - a boy or a girl.

Our baby was delivered at 8.30 am on the 16th July 1985.  He weighed 6lbs (2.760g) and was 19 inches in length.  The tubal ligation was performed. 

Our Pregnancy

Our pregnancy with Ben was most unexpected and unplanned.  We were in our late thirties at the time, already had three children and life was going along quite nicely.  We had experienced ups and downs but life in general was beginning to get easier with all our children now at school and the thought of another child was not something we had contemplated.

We had been using a natural method of contraception and I knew exactly when I had ovulated.  We had not had a sex during that time and so I was just so sure that I just could not be pregnant.  

The first few weeks my emotions were very much up and down.  What was I going to do?  How would I cope?  Delighted!  Shocked!  Fearful! Angry!  Very mixed emotions.  Many tears were shed.  I went to see my local Dr who prescribed some antidepressants to help me cope with everyday chores.

I thought about abortion - went to the Hospital where I thought I was going to speak with someone who would help us through my very mixed emotions and enable me to make an informed decision. (I knew my husband was not keen on an abortion but would came along with me to consider this option.)  Instead we saw the Doctor who would perform the abortion.  He spoke of it happening that very week!!  I realised that perhaps this was not what I wished to happen so decided not to go ahead.  I went home unsure of why this was all happening and although I tried my hardest to be happy about this pregnancy this was not to be.

The pregnancy was full of ups and downs.  I had this feeling that something was not quite right and so asked for an amniocentesis to be performed.  My Obstetrician was not keen for this to happen but gave the okay when I insisted.  I went for this test at 16 weeks only be told that the baby was not quite big enough and I was to come back in about two weeks - "had I got my dates right?"  I went back again in a couple of weeks and the tests were performed.

The waiting for the results was a time again of mixed emotions - what would we do if something was wrong.  We would be having to make a decision again about termination.  If we decided against this how would our family cope perhaps with a handicapped child.  We never contemplated that our baby would die.

The results came back and showed that everything seemed okay.  The pregnancy continued with still the feeling that things were not quite right.

I had a bout of the worms during my pregnancy - something I had never experienced before in my life.  I felt unclean - unable to tell anyone - was this another sign that things were not okay as I had felt!  I did not tell Doctor but telephoned around as to whether tablets I could get over the counter would hurt the baby I was carrying.  I ended up taking some and the worms were under control.  I have never experienced them since.

Our children were quite excited about the arrival of a new baby.  They started to talk about names and much discussion was around what it was what sex it would be.  We had one boy and two girls so our obvious choice was a boy.

For me the latter part of the pregnancy was extremely difficult emotionally wise.  I tried to be positive but there was this feeling of death hanging over my head - I thought I was going to die.  All my children have been delivered by Caesarian Section and I had this feeling that this was when it was all going to happen.  I did not tell too many people of my fears in fact only one person - my best friend.  I asked her to ensure that my children were okay - talked about all the dreams I had for them - piano playing, enjoying life etc.  I was sure I was not going to be around to see them grow up and become adults.  Of course this was not to be.................... but I did not know that at the time.

My last few appointments with my Doctor also put fear into my that something was not quite right.  I did not seem to be gaining the weight that I should have been.  I was seeing the partner of my Dr as my Dr was on leave. He just felt it was okay.

My last visit to my own Doctor the day before I was admitted to hospital for the Section also made me very unsure of what was going to happen.  We had asked for a tubal ligation to be performed at the same time as the section as we were certain that we did not want to enlarge our family any further.  My Doctor asked "If anything is wrong with your baby do you still wish me to go ahead with the tubal ligation."  My heart stopped - what was going to happen?  Did he know something that he was not telling me?   He said he felt everything was okay but needed to be certain that this is what we wanted.  My husband was in the waiting room.  I remember coming out and telling  him, as we were walking to the car, of the conversation I had with my Doctor.  I asked him if I had said the correct thing by saying yes.  He agreed that this is what we wanted.

I went home and prepared to go into hospital that evening ready for the operation the following morning.